Blow Me...

It’s been a year of some pretty insane stuff here. I thought that by now this blog would have gotten me some action down there but it seems like that will remain just that, a thought! {If you want to turn my thought into action, comment section is open, ahem *clears throat*} Moving on, the name Mad Blogger is one year old, can I get an ululation? No? Ok!

This is a huge accomplishment, like really huge. Yea, I know I have a huge dick ego but a year with a blog that is 50% consistent (ok 40%, 30? 20, come on, you’re killing me) is pretty huge, right? Speaking of consistency, I have been one inconsistent fuck in the past few months. I don’t know what is happening, it’s like I have a girlfriend or wife or both! You know how those take up all of your free time (and money)? I don’t know what has been keeping me away from here. I almost sought the services of a medicine woman but for some reason I didn’t go through with it… I think the sixth sense kicked in time. I played the whole going-to-mganga-kutoka-mbooni clip in my head and stopped while I still had some dignity.

Think about it for a sec, I head out to Ukambani, find the WITCH, tell her my ‘problems’, she commands the ghosts of her forefathers (and the fathers of her bastard children) to bless me and after parting with some cash she sends me away with a bottle of medicine (her cow’s urine or worse, her own waste) with simple instructions: spray this on your blog and you’ll practically ejaculate (she’s from MBOONI duh.. *whips hair*) killer articles on a daily basis. Ok, snap back to the land of the living, why go through all that trouble? It’s just a blog… or is it?

Since I didn’t make New Year resolutions at the appropriate time I think I should make them now in the New Year on this blog, so here goes nothing. I hope I won’t break them faster than I broke my virginity with my hand. Yea, I did not start exploring myself yesterday; my whole life has been sufficiently supplied with perversion.

Ok, let’s get this over with.

Resolutions:

• Be consistent: Who am I kidding? I have a better chance of getting laid than being consistent. Taking into account that I rarely get laid, the situation here is dire.
• Go to church: I’ll try this one, really I will and it would be easier if this hadn’t happened -> http://twitter.com/m_dblogger/status/171192671447166976. You know?
• Get a girlfriend: Don’t laugh, I’m serious… Ok, I’m joking. The day I get a girlfriend, Sonko will make sense. Not that I don’t ever interact with women, I do. Thing is I would like to think I’m a freelance lover; I do the new thing in town and leave the carcass to hyenas!! Ok, that’s a lie right there, I’m a minute man, I would leave a virgin pretty much intact.
• Be famous: Hehehe, this is for selfish reasons. I want to be famous so that I can get laid… I would like a situation where I walk up to a girl and introduce myself, “hey, I’m Mad Blogger” and she goes, “oh my gawsh, it’s you..” *drops pants* *spanks self* “please fuck me… ” <- Ignore that one. Shit ain’t gonna happen.
• Write a book: With this I’m as serious as a constipated Nyeri woman with a drunkard for a husband. I feel that if I sat down and wrote a book titled “How to satisfy your nyeri woman” it would be an instant best seller. I would be famous and take care of the resolution above.
• Do stand up comedy: Seriously, I have been playing with that idea in my head and this time around I’ll do it. Yes, this time around when I get myself a ‘chipo’, I won’t dim the lights. I’ll undress as she watches. If points as she laughs hysterically, I’ll have successfully pulled off my stand up act. You never know she might be a Hollywood producer with the “Small Schlongs Productions” and sign me up!

Ok, those are not resolutions… it’s random bullshit with the flare of self a centered bastard.

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(Not so) Random quote:

Vagina Fact: It’s not overused; maybe you have a tiny schlong. Ever thought of that? – Anon.

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