THIS IS FUNNY, OK MAYBE NOT BUT STILL…

IF I grow up, I want to be Mr. Funny man. Feel free not to laugh:

•  I’m at such high perversion levels in my life that I can tell the color of girl’s pants by looking up her skirt… I hope you realize that that joke is not funny, if it was I would be making money out of it.

• Twitter has experienced an avalanche of lame word play ‘gurus’. Someone felt the need to tell them that not everyone can do word play and I was like, ‘Really? I didn’t know word play was a girl’

• Someone asked me what my number one priority I life and I said my love for sarcasm. He told me to get my priorities straight. I don’t get it, really I don’t. Are my priorities gay or something?

• I saw this ad that a producer was looking for script-writers for his new sit-com and I thought to myself, is comedy writing so hard that they have to hire programmers to hack it? Get it? Script? No? Okay, nobody has died from a bad joke yet!
•  Don’t you just pity the Jehovah’s Witnesses, all this time they have been trying to tell us how Jehovah screwed up but no one gives a shit. That joke is so lame; that its ‘punch line’ is more of a ‘pat on the back.’

• I wanted to be a pro pianist but it’s so hard to pull an orgasm face especially when you ain’t been getting laid. I mean have you watched Lang Lang play?
• I don’t hate fat people, really I don’t and very soon we’ll all be competing for food when natural resources are almost exhausted but don’t worry, nature has a way of dealing with heavy eaters, remember the dinosaurs?
• I still remember the first time I had sex; my right hand developed a serious medical condition, that’s how I became left handed. <– Ignore that one…
• What goes around comes around. Is it just me or does that sound like a really dizzy way to scare someone?
• I entertained the thought of doing stand up comedy up until I realized I had stage fright; you know that thing where you want to pee your pants but you can’t because you went earlier? <– That is funny but only when you’re on prescription drugs for mild dementia.
• My greatest fear in life is waking up to find a girl sleeping next to me and I can still remember her name a.k.a marriage!
• What you don’t know about me is I’ll spike a girl’s drink to get laid. It’s like getting a girl really drunk just that my method is illegal.
• They need to make Sarcasm contractible by sex; I need a new pick-up line plus my current girlfriend could use an infection.
• That moment when you can’t get a word right and Microsoft Word won’t suggest a substitute. It’s amazing how “add to dictionary” and I have become such great friends.
• I had a masturbation addiction joke in mind but I found lotion before I could post it…!
• I started a “we cum early” anonymous group, for such a group you would think the members would come early. If only they applied the same tactics in bed…
• They say love is blind, ok don’t you think it is high time love came out and denied or confirmed those allegations?
• The last time I had sex, I came so hard that the sock almost sued for sexual harassment.
• I’m so obsessed with women’s backsides that I pray for a lady to choke just so I can perform a Heimlich maneuver.
• There is a drop of gayness in every man whose dick is curved! You know, not straight? Oh forget it.
• I slept with so many girls in my day that the random one night stands nowadays are no longer with strangers.
• I have come to terms with the fact that I may never marry, not that marriage sucks, it’s just that it doesn’t, but I’m not married; what do I know?
• I get so absent minded at times that when I’m getting head, I start wondering when my dick will get hot so that the ‘blow’ part of a blow job can begin.
• My imaginary friend doesn’t get my jokes anymore; I think he’s coming down with a serious case of growing up. Oh, the irony.
• I think the future Microsoft Word should come with a joke detector, that way I’ll know if I’m wasting my time typing these lines.
• My parents wanted me to be a doctor but the thought of treating them for free was not in me so I became a Carpenter. They live in a wooden house, maybe I should have become a doctor; they are rarely sick!
• A joke about erection ceases to be a one liner when you introduce a full stop. They should call it a hard liner. Ok, what was that?
• If you have to explain it, then it’s not a joke, it’s an inspirational quote or the Sunday sermon. <– My pastor ‘likes’ this.
• If no one understands your jokes, you shouldn’t try poetry either. There is only so much bullshit your subconscious can take before it walks out on you.
• Poetry ends with “try”. What you don’t know is that poets are unaccomplished writers. I’m not surprised; what do you expect when all you do is “try”? Poets, I got no beef with you but I wouldn’t mind pork. Okay, let me hit myself to make poets feel good about themselves:
• Bloggers are gay writers. This shit might get me in trouble with fellow writers bloggers.
• I’m typing this with a straight face; I don’t think these jokes are that funny. Maybe you should read them with a gay face. >> Yeah, I know that straight-gay line is no longer funny.
• I have dreams, yes I sleep too.
• I’m a douche, so much so that I threw a bottle into the ocean with this message: “If you are reading this, it could only mean one thing; it was written”. Hey don’t give me that look; I did say I’m a douche, didn’t I?
• I was watching the movie “immortals” then came the sex scene. I have never been so sexually assaulted. I didn’t see shit, that movie is too dark. Actually they didn’t fuck.
• Watching some sex scenes in movies is good for my ego; they last for less than a minute. It’s good to know that I’m not the only one who sucks in bed.
• Speaking of movies, when they make a movie about me, I want to play me. I mean, who can play me better than me plus why I would I want someone to fuck girls on my behalf?

I’m done.

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PS: Good things happen to girls whose boyfriends have big enough dicks. – Fuck what you heard, that is the original line! –> My Christmas wish is to be the boyfriend…

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