Don’t Read This Post!

I was grabbed by the gonads, dragged through shit, almost fed to the sharks, beaten, raped, I’m now traumatized, scarred for life, I may never recover, I’m seeing a shrink but it’s not working, I’m contemplating suicide, I have the noose already tied!… Ok, you do realize that I’m bullshitting you, right? I got hacked, that’s what! They owned me, they made me their bitch but look who is back, unperturbed, mad as always, with an ego the size of Jay Z’s lips. {Lame analogy, I know, I’m full of shit sometimes, ok most of the time. } When I tried to login into my account on Monday morning I was met with the defaced page talking about some Islamic Ghost Team and here is the thing; I don’t think the hackers are Islamic Cyber Terrorists, ‘thIs KiNd oF wRitInG’ is a lot more Western than it is Asian. They are probably kids with too much free time and unlimited internet access.

We own you bitch!

When I saw that defaced page I freaked out, yes I did. I almost pissed my briefs but the naïve bitch in kicked in and I thought, “Wow, I’m famous!” I convinced myself that only famous chaps get hacked and when I logged into twitter that morning I was half expecting to find hundreds of mentions telling me how I’m the shit and several liters of urine but I didn’t find shit let alone urine. All I found were five hour old mentions. Wait, why am I telling you all this? That’s a lame thought pattern.

Long story short, the fact that you are reading this means that all is well but after that hack ass jolting, I don’t trust this server so much, oh well we’ll see… Okay, what else do you need to know? I rarely think of what I’m going to write, I just login and write the first thing that pops up and right about now nothing is popping. Light bulb moments are rare these days and frankly I’m not surprised. Thing is, I no longer have a social life, I used to but somehow along the way I stopped being free with people as I used to and people is equal to socializing and socializing is equal to mouth watering posts. Hold up that sounds wrong, very very wrong. What is “mouth watering posts”? Do you guys salivate when you read my posts? That’s gross and I’m gonna stop here because I have no clue what I AM DOING! This hack thing was a total brain drain. *sigh*

Now I hate myself for this gibberish but I’m still going to hit the publish button; yes share this bullshit of a post and be done with it. Ok, now I’m hitting publish and signing out… and in the (not so) famous words of one Mad Blogger, I… I… I don’t have a parting shot. I blame the hackers and I think I’ve just found something to lay the blame on whenever I screw up, the hackers. E.g. yes I’m allowed to give an example; it’s my fucking blog…

CHIC: Hey, you ‘came’ early; you are such a lousy lover!

ME: It’s the hackers fault… :/

CHIC: How? They hacked into your dick and forced you to come?

ME: I don’t know, it’s just their fault, can’t we go with that?

I’ll pretend I didn’t just write that, actually it’s the hackers fault {my new favorite scapegoat}. I have nothing to do with what you are reading. Assuming that you ignored my warning and read this post, you are awesome. I would say I love you but since you who read this post to the very end might be a guy, I’ll stick with awesome since ‘I love you’ to a guy is very gay and probably sue-able. Is ‘sue-able’ a word? Never mind, but there should be a law that prohibits guys from telling other dick wielding fellows they love them. Heck I can’t even tell my dad I love him, I do but I never tell him. Yes my dad & I are that cool.

Holy Cow’s udder {I’m trying to quit swearing}, I promised someone to show up at their birthday today, I’m so dead. There goes my chance of resurrecting my social life. Waaaaaiiit it’s the hackers fault….