Religion.
Religion: I don’t know where to start with this one. There is one thing I don’t get, religion and my money. What does God need money for? Is there a shopping mall in heaven we don’t know about? I don’t get why he needs my money. Don’t you think it’s time he (God) started making his own money? I don’t know about you but if my son could walk on water, people would be asking for soft loans from me not the other way around! Jesus needs to go out there and get a job. Something, anything, join a damn circus. He has more than enough tricks up his robe, he would have the crowd mesmerized. He would be like, “My name is Jesus and for tonight’s show, I’ll be walking on water. Can I get a volunteer from the crowd? Come on don’t be afraid, I got you. We can do this together; you just gotta have faith…”
If I had a son who could turn water into wine, I would have the biggest winery in the whole god damn universe! Money would be the least of my problems..
Let me let you in on a secret when dealing with ‘Christians’. Under no circumstances should you ever lend money to a Christian! You’ll never get it back! They’ll be like, “hey Joe, I’m in a bind, could you lend me a few notes? I’ll reimburse as soon as possible” No motherfucker, no! Jesus said he’ll be back soon. Look how that turned out. Two millenniums is not what you call soon, soon is going to the restrooms, soon is going out to make a five minute call, soon is me getting laid, it’s only a minute. I’ll be back soon! Sorry borrow your fellow Christians; they understand soon, I don’t.
Religion is meant to scare you into submission. Think about it, the first book in the Bible, Genesis. It says that God has always been; he has always existed… Be honest here, how many times have you thought about the origin of God only to shudder at the thought and start thinking about other things, you know, let your mind wander to other things. Questions like, where did he come from? How can he see all of us at once? When I get to that train of thought, I slap myself back to reality. If you think about it too much you could go insane, even for mad man like me. I think religion is bad for your mental health. A doctrine that scares the poop out of me is not something I would love to follow.
Oh and don’t you think it’s a little creepy that we call books inside another book, books? If there are books in the Bible, then what is the Bible, a super book? We have encyclopedias, why aren’t we worshipping the contents of the ‘books’ in it. For instance, a plant grows out of the ground without human aid. You’ll find that in the Biology section in the encyclopedia. That’s sophisticated shit right there, doesn’t it sound like something you may want to worship?
Somehow we just couldn’t stop at the chapter where the bible doesn’t say where Cain’s wife came from, we kept going… You know religion is messed up when you ask your Pastor where Cain’s wife came from and he tells you that that is the kind of question you’ll have to wait to ask God yourself!
The Ten Commandments: I have one in mind, the one about Murder. “Thou shall not kill”. I think we should be entitled to at least one kill because frankly the world would be a better place without some people. You know that one person who “wakes up” your ulcers, that one idiot who thinks you’re an idiot, that one dude who wants a piece of your current vagina girlfriend, that one girl (with better boobs than yours) who won’t leave your man alone, that one politician who only goes back to “his people” when he is “being targeted”, that one ego-maniacal asshole who treats everyone like he owns the very air we breathe..
I don’t get why it’s wrong for me do away with one asshole that we could all do without but it’s okay to take down the walls of Jericho and kill everyone in the city, kids, women everything! Remember the Israelites on their way to Canaan? If you were not on their side then you were as good as dead. Religion has been killing since the day it was established.
And it’s not just Christianity that I’m skeptical about, it goes all the way to every other form of worship. For instance A religion that believes that a cow is better for anything other than beef, skin and milk is a no go zone! While you are on your knees praying for whatever from this cow, it will be busy taking a shit or regurgitating the grass it had for lunch. A cow doesn’t sound like the kind of super being I would pray to. “You can’t eat the cow, it’s holy”, what’s going to happen if I eat it? Will I become wiser? Will your cow-god cease to exist? Isn’t there like one God? What do you want me to think of the other cows? Are all these other cows angels and shit? Get the fuck outta here!
Look at religious wars. Religion based war is bullshit. It doesn’t matter how good my god is, I’m not gonna off myself for him. Especially these cunts who blow themselves up for their religion. I’m pretty sure if your ever so powerful god wanted to kill people for their shortcomings he would find a more conventional way of doing it, you know like good old cancer, AIDS, drought, floods… How do they convince followers to strap bombs to themselves anyway? I know it’s not just the virgins because even I can’t blow myself up for a virgin and I’m overly sex starved; it’s common sense that dead people can’t fuck, but then again common sense ain’t that common…
Way I see it, religion is stage managed. If God is all seeing-all knowing, doesn’t it mean he knew that Eve was going to eat the “fruit of knowledge”? He planned this whole thing. He knew the outcome, he knew man was an idiot and at one point (or the other) he would eat the forbidden fruit. Why create the fruit in the first place? That’s like coming up with the cure for AIDS then tell the patients not to take it because they will get cured.
“Don’t eat that fruit, you just might realize that you are naked and that your dick is short”, “don’t eat that fruit because you will start asking me where I came from”, “don’t eat that fruit because you’ll start asking where Cain’s wife came from and I don’t have the answers” “don’t eat the fruit because you’ll want to kill someone. That’s my job and I sure hate competition”
You know what they say, “…a man has to believe in something…” really? Do I have to? How about you live then die. That’s the only certainity that life guarantees. Oh, and in between living and dying, life will screw you every now and then.
Okay, enough with sacrilege. I can detect jeer flowing in your thoughts…
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Playlist: Adawnage – Uwezo. Hey, just because I have a few seemingly irreverent thoughts doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy good gospel music.
“The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.” – G. Carlin.
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(Ok, I didn’t say that last part). I gotta tell you, I didn’t see the answer coming (or in this case the question. You know women, they answer questions with questions). She looked at me straight in the eye and asked, “…son, when was the last time you had sex with someone other than yourself?” Wait, what? Then she continued “…the back pain is from jerking off too much, the blood rush is from the jerking off too much, the shitty feeling is from jerking off too much and the sweating as well.
